Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
