Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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