If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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