Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I need moral support for this bender
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
