his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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