We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
