If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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