Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
