They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
