Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
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