Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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