Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
and you fell through a lawn chair
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
