This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
