Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
