did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
