I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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