you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
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