My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
