Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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