Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
