and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
