It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
