i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
