I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize
