the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
