distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
