At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
