dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
