Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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