Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
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