What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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