I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
