When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
