I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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