What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
