chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
