Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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