I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
