oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
