ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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