And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
