so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
