I want to have your abortion
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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