Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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