Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
