i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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