you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
