I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
