Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
