Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
My feet surprised me
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